The Wheel of Fortune Spins Its Revolution
It took me a week to write this post.
It is not something I am proud of, in fact, I abhor myself (more than usual) for it.
Let me be frank and non-cryptic -- I lost my job.
It was a glorious week, but one that ended in disaster. You see, last Thursday we went to a home in Folsom, CA to install an alarm system (actually, we were replacing an older system with a newer one) and in the course of events we had to run telephone wire from one end of the house to the other. Well, the house had no attic. So, that left the crawlspace.
Now, I have a fear of heights. Had it all my life. But in the few incidents during this job that I had to use a ladder and screw in smoke detectors, I felt confident enough (surprisingly so) that I had conquered that fear. But, it turns out, there is another fear nestled among that entangled mess of neuroses that I carry around: fear of vermin in dark places. Or maybe it's fear of shadows. I know I do not have claustrophobia so I have no idea where this fear came from. But when my trainer opened up the door and told me to go in with nothing but a lantern - I froze.
I just sat there. I peered inside and saw a king-size rat trap which had not been set off yet. I saw clods of dirt, a large, long insulator tube snaking its way across the ground, and the tail of a large rat scurrying behind it. Nope. Thank you very much, I am not going in there! I asked my trainer, "Do I get a standard issue pistol?" You can imagine the response. Needless to say, I cussed vehemently and failed to go in. Exasperated, the trainer took my lantern and made his way in. My supervisor called him later that night and asked how I was doing. He told him. The next day I was escorted into the boss's office. My boss was very kind and considerate, and he was canny enough to put the ball in my court (that way I couldn't claim unemployment compensation from him). He asked me, "Well, do you think this is something you can get over? I mean, if you tried again do you think you could do it?" As much as I wanted to say yes, I couldn't. I know I couldn't. If I could have conquered that phobia I would have done it Thursday night. The fact that I didn't meant this would be a continual problem and I didn't want my boss and my supervisor, or even the company for that matter, wasting time with someone who couldn't do something so elementary as run wire through a house. After mumbling my inadequacy regarding the crawlspace, I suppose I effectively quit. I returned the van, the tools, the uniform, the materials, (I never did get the gascard) and the PDA.
Shit.
I picked up my first and last paycheck yesterday. It was $414.87 take home. Not bad for four days, but that was at $10/hr. plus overtime. It would have been much more if I had been a normal person or perhaps a stronger person and sucked up the unreasoning fear of something I logically know to be harmless.
So now I am unemployed again.
The Wheel of Fortune has come full circle. Again.
If you ever have the opportunity to look at a Swiss 1JJ tarot deck and pull out the 10th Major Arcana card, you'll notice it's called La Roue d'Fortune. On it is a blind, nude woman obliviously turning the crankshaft of the Wheel of Fortune like a spit over a campfire. Notice the man falling off the Wheel, down into oblivion in the form of the letter 'X'? That, my friend, is me. Or at least, it feels like me.
It is not something I am proud of, in fact, I abhor myself (more than usual) for it.
Let me be frank and non-cryptic -- I lost my job.
It was a glorious week, but one that ended in disaster. You see, last Thursday we went to a home in Folsom, CA to install an alarm system (actually, we were replacing an older system with a newer one) and in the course of events we had to run telephone wire from one end of the house to the other. Well, the house had no attic. So, that left the crawlspace.
Now, I have a fear of heights. Had it all my life. But in the few incidents during this job that I had to use a ladder and screw in smoke detectors, I felt confident enough (surprisingly so) that I had conquered that fear. But, it turns out, there is another fear nestled among that entangled mess of neuroses that I carry around: fear of vermin in dark places. Or maybe it's fear of shadows. I know I do not have claustrophobia so I have no idea where this fear came from. But when my trainer opened up the door and told me to go in with nothing but a lantern - I froze.
I just sat there. I peered inside and saw a king-size rat trap which had not been set off yet. I saw clods of dirt, a large, long insulator tube snaking its way across the ground, and the tail of a large rat scurrying behind it. Nope. Thank you very much, I am not going in there! I asked my trainer, "Do I get a standard issue pistol?" You can imagine the response. Needless to say, I cussed vehemently and failed to go in. Exasperated, the trainer took my lantern and made his way in. My supervisor called him later that night and asked how I was doing. He told him. The next day I was escorted into the boss's office. My boss was very kind and considerate, and he was canny enough to put the ball in my court (that way I couldn't claim unemployment compensation from him). He asked me, "Well, do you think this is something you can get over? I mean, if you tried again do you think you could do it?" As much as I wanted to say yes, I couldn't. I know I couldn't. If I could have conquered that phobia I would have done it Thursday night. The fact that I didn't meant this would be a continual problem and I didn't want my boss and my supervisor, or even the company for that matter, wasting time with someone who couldn't do something so elementary as run wire through a house. After mumbling my inadequacy regarding the crawlspace, I suppose I effectively quit. I returned the van, the tools, the uniform, the materials, (I never did get the gascard) and the PDA.
Shit.
I picked up my first and last paycheck yesterday. It was $414.87 take home. Not bad for four days, but that was at $10/hr. plus overtime. It would have been much more if I had been a normal person or perhaps a stronger person and sucked up the unreasoning fear of something I logically know to be harmless.
So now I am unemployed again.
The Wheel of Fortune has come full circle. Again.
If you ever have the opportunity to look at a Swiss 1JJ tarot deck and pull out the 10th Major Arcana card, you'll notice it's called La Roue d'Fortune. On it is a blind, nude woman obliviously turning the crankshaft of the Wheel of Fortune like a spit over a campfire. Notice the man falling off the Wheel, down into oblivion in the form of the letter 'X'? That, my friend, is me. Or at least, it feels like me.
posted by Brian Perez at 11:07 PM
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